Waiting for the diagnosis has got to be one of the most difficult moments in my short 32 years of being a human being.

While I have whined about life and had experienced low moments, nothing prepared me for the journey while waiting for the diagnosis.

It happened when I was in a foreign land, as a foreign student.

When the doctor first told me to go for the thyroid scan, I didn’t even know where the hospital was. I had to hop onto a cab.

Then there was the biopsy.

I still recalled that fateful day in October 2010.

I was led to a room where the ultrasound machine is already there. The sonographer (someone who does the ultrasound) was nice, he gave me a gown to change and told me to lie down while he checks for the nodule. The gown was blue, another plus point cos I like blue and its my lucky colour.

I must have looked worried because the sonographer took one look at me and told me not to worry, everything will be fine. The ultrasound scan was painless and the sonographer took the time to chat with me. I haven’t been through any of these procedures in Singapore and I was hoping that I never had to do it again. But one thing for sure, the human touch that these health care professionals have really made the difference to a lousy day.

Then the sonographer explained that a doctor will pop by and insert the needle in to retrieve cell samples while a pathology personnel outside would be checking the samples on the microscope and tell him if the samples are adequate enough for testing or they need more. I’ve read on the internet that there could be many situations, too much blood, too little cells, in which case it calls for more FNA tests. At least, I got mine done professionally.

The nodule looked round, 4.86cm, it was huge which is why I have that swelling in my neck and the sonographer and doc mentioned something that it was quite “vascular” meaning there is blood within which was not really a good thing.

So, while most cold nodules are 85% benign, chances of it being cancerous increases when its bigger, vascular, shows irregularities. Not fun when you know too much from the internet.

And so, the FNA began. I refused to see it so I kept my eyes closed all the time. But the sonographer was really very kind, whenever the doc said that he would be poking the needle in and then jiggle the neck so that the needle can retrieve the sample, the sonographer would place his warm hands on my arm.Like a form of reassurance.

I’m very grateful for that cos the human touch really made a difference during such trying times.

After getting the sample, the doc brought it out and placed it on slides and then use the hairdryer to immediately dry it to preserve the cells. Interesting. I didn’t see it, But i heard it.  Sonographer would then take the time to chat with me, during our chats, I found out he was from the UK, He hates the London weather,  he likes Australia and he wonders why I don’t want to stay on in Australia.

In 30mins, it’s over. Pathology tests are covered up to 85% by my student insurance and a check with the commonwealth government health costs states that the FNA for thyroid is about $150? Hence, I didn’t have to pay anything yet, I probably will receive a bill later on in the mail but at least I won’t be shocked.

The neck felt sore after the test, its like someone just whacked me at the throat. I guess that’s how liposuction feels like, just 1000 times more painful. Whenever I cough, swallow my saliva, sneeze or eat, I could feel the soreness. It will pass, I just had to eat really soft things for the time being and swallow slowly.

Right after the biopsy, I recalled walking to the bus stop and for the first time, I thought about my own mortality. All the hopes of graduating, getting a good job, falling in love, getting married, having my own kids and even travelling around the world is on the line now.

I tried to be rational.

I reassured myself that if it’s really cancer and if it has not metasized, it would  be highly treatable and I will go on to live a normal life. But still, I couldn’t block out the thoughts of dying.

Just weeks ago, I was on top of the world. And now, I have crashed rock bottom.

I had a nagging feeling that things are bad, but I was trying my utmost best to put up a strong front.

I even concluded that people who get to live a long life might not necessarily fulfill all the things they wanted to do in life. So it’s not really a matter of dying young or old.

But the wait was agonizing.

Was it agonizing for you when you were waiting for your biopsy results?